


Ship To Ship Combat

by Wigmund



Series: Shipper's Lament [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Shipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-07
Updated: 2011-01-07
Packaged: 2017-10-14 19:03:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/152446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wigmund/pseuds/Wigmund
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After finding out who Jade's suitor is, the poor guys need to figure out who they can go stalk next.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ship To Ship Combat

Karkat, Dave, Tavros and Eridan looked in shock upon Jade's suitor. John was still laughing. Gamzee was too far into his sopor buzz to know what was going on.

Nepeta?

Why...why Nepeta?

Nepeta placed her hands upon her hips and stared at the six gathered in Jade's living room.  
":?? < So, what are you guys doing here?"  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"  
"Yeah, I'm curious as well. I didn't know that Jade was-"  
":33 < Into girls? Well she likes this pussy-"  
Three shades of red, two shades of purple and a shade of brown flashed across the guys faces.  
";]] < -cat. You naughty boys."

Eventually Jade exited her bedroom dressed in an even more revealing version of the Three In The Morning gown she made years ago...  
"I'm surprised this thing fits after all these years."  
She pulled on it, causing interesting movements and grunts of frustration from the four wannabe suitors.  
"Bit snug in certain areas though."  
">:DD < It looks purrfect Jade. Shall we head out?"  
"Okay."  
Jade turned to the guys.  
"I'm going to trust leaving you guys alone. I won't be back until late tonight. Don't make a mess and lock up when you all leave."  
":33 < Toodaloo."  
And with a swish of their hips, the girls were gone.

Karkat, Dave, Tavros and Eridan looked forlornly at the coffee table, Gamzee whipped out another Faygo from where ever it was he stored them and John just leaned on his elbow, smiling at the four rejected souls.

"Time for the shipping charts?"

All six guys glanced at each other and then reached into their pockets, each pulling out a piece of paper with sixteen pictures on it. A quick glance revealed it to be the Sburb and Sgrub players.

"Alright, let's narrow down this list guys. We'll find someone."  
"Okay, what about Rose?"  
"We're happily married."  
The four questants glared at John and then as one, marked the blonde girl from their lists, as well as Nepeta and Jade.  
"Kanaya?"  
"With Rose."  
All the guys turned to John and gave him the most hateful glares possible.  
"Feferi? Oh wwait, she's wwith that fuckin mustard-blood."  
"That reminds me, what is Sollux doing nowadays? I haven't really seen him since we left the game."  
"I, uh, heard he became a police officer."  
"Really?"

Somewhere across town, Officer Sollux Captor approached a woman in a bar.  
"Ethcuthe me mithh, but I believe there'th a problem here."  
She giggled and looked up at the ruggedly-built cop.  
"Whatever could it be Officer Captor?"  
Music with a driving beat started up nearby.  
"I believe I'm going to have to conduct a thtrip thearch."  
The music became louder and Sollux slowly started to unbutton his uniform.  
"TAK-E IT OFF )(ON-EYB-E-E!"

"Well, I hope he's happy with his job."  
They marked off Feferi. Eridan sobbed softly yet again.  
"Aradia? She is living again, right?"  
"umm, I thought she was with, uh, Equius."  
"Nope, Equius lives by himself with some robot 'friends' next door to Jade. Mr Nosy Neighbor."  
They all looked at the chart and then at each other.  
"I, uh, think to go on walk guys. I, uh guess, um, I'll see you all, uh, later."  
Tavros got up and quickly went out the front door. They heard his rocket boots as he blasted off. They all marked yet another gal off their lists.  
"Let's see....oh god..."  
"Well, I have no desire for Spiderbitch."  
"I'm desperate, but not that much."  
"I am."  
Karkat and Dave looked up at Eridan as he uncurled from the chair he was sinking into and started towards the door.  
"Eridan, I know your desperate...but...it's Vriska..."  
"Yeah, there's definitely someone out there..."  
Eridan smiled at the two and shook his head.  
"Don't wworry about me guys. I think this is for the best. You can mark VVriska off of your lists."  
As he walked out the door, the four guys stood up and saluted a brave man.  
"How long until we find his body wrapped in spider webs and drained of blood?"  
"Oh come on Dave, Vriska's a bitch but she doesn't eat people."  
"Yeah, you survived her embrace."  
John blushed as that brought back some interesting and embarrassing memories from when the trolls and kids finally met up.

Karkat had good reason to be worried about Sloppy Interspecies Makeouts.

The four marked Vriska off the list and then looked at the last female. Terezi Pyrope.  
"Hmm"  
"Hmm?"  
"Well, guys I've had a fun night, but I think I need to turn in."  
Dave got up, stretched and started towards the door.

Karkat jumped up and pointed at him.  
"STOP RIGHT THERE SHITHEAD!"  
They both ran for the door and started to fight in the entry hall. John and Gamzee got up to watch the two Knights fight with each other.  
"You rejected her years ago!"  
"I DIDN'T! SHE LEFT ME!"  
"For someone cooler!"  
"FOR A SMUG DOUCHEBAG WHO LEFT HER!"  
"Fuck off asshole!"  
"Hey Dave? Do you know what my Sgrub title was?"  
"You think I give a fuck?"  
"YOU SHOULD! IT WAS KNIGHT OF-"  
Karkat squinted at Dave.  
"BLOOD!"

Two streams of blood shot out and hit Dave right in his shades. Dave freaked out and fell to the ground, giving Karkat an opening to run out the doors and down the street.

"GOD DAMN THAT WAS SICK!"  
Dave got up, wiped the blood off and then pulled out his time tables.  
"Two can play games with their old powers!"  
And with that, he started up the tables and disappeared into the time stream.

John was still wearing a look of disgust when he glanced up at Gamzee who had retrieved a slice of sopor pie from the depths of wherever and was munching on it.  
"So that was Karkat's Sgrub power? Squirting blood out of his eyes?"  
"No MaN, tHaT wAsN't HiS fUcKiNg SgRuB pOwEr."  
John gave the drug-addled troll a confused look, which Gamzee took as an invitation for an explanation.  
"AlL uS tRoLlS cAn SqUiRt BlOoD lIkE tHaT. It'S aN eVoLuTiOnArY lEfToVeR fRoM wHeN oUr MoThErFuCkInG rAcE wAs NoThInG mOrE tHaN tRoGlOdYtIc InSeCtOiD pRoTo-MaMmAlS."  
John was shocked that Gamzee knew those words. Hell, he was shocked that Gamzee had known anything about his race's history.  
"FuCkInG sElF-dEfEnSe YoU kNoW? HeLl, SoMe TrOlLs StIlL sQuIrT bLoOd WhEn FriGhTeNeD oR sTrEsSeD. ThE rEsT oF uS fUcKiNg ShItS cAn Do It If We CoNcEnTrAte"  
"Really?"  
"FuCk YeAh, WaTcH tHiS."

John watched in terror as Gamzee squinted one of his eyes and sent a spray of purple blood across Jade's living room.  
"You know, I think it's time for us to go."  
"'KaY."

 

Hours later, at well past three in the morning, a very tipsy Jade and a tipsy Nepeta walked into the apartment. They were ready to have some more fun and then see what happened in the morning.

Jade closed the door and turned on the lights in her living room.

"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN HERE!?"


End file.
